I’ve had a slight hiatus in the usual schedule. It really has been a crazy couple of weeks. With health flares and various appointments and such. I am hoping to start a YouTube channel soon. With the hopes that recording will be a little less taxing on my bad days meaning I can chop and change between here and there. But I will keep you updated on that.
I wanted to talk about the trials and tribulations of finding inner peace and love in the current times.
So, I’ve been single for a while now. By while, see four years! In 2012, I made a choice to focus on learning to love myself and also establishing my worth. I think when life throws you a clanger, you have to decide which way it goes down. As you’ll know, if you’ve read Me, My Health and I. Being a chronic illness fighter at 24, as a single mother, with a high pressure job. Was not exactly the life I had planned.
I chose to shut off the world for a little bit. Retreated within and saw the work that needed to happen internally, before the energy could be expanded externally.
I didn’t like the person that I was. Or the person I was likely to become, by not dealing with my inner turmoils. I spent a lot of my late teens and early 20s doing, being and saying what was expected of me. Jumping from one bad relationship to the next. I seemed to have a thing for unsavoury choices and bad judgement calls.
So when my health took its biggest flare to date. I ended the relationship I was in – which weirdly, was with a man who really doesn’t fit into the above criteria – and made a decision to find myself.
I wish I could tell you that meant doing a Eat, Pray, Love journey. Pasta in Italy, ashrams in India and hot mud hut sex in wherever the bloody hell it was she went last. But alas, I was not born middle class and I had a 4yr old Nas in tow. Plus the fact I had just given up my career, my main income and being pretty much house bound for the first 12 months. Jetting off into the sunset was not even an option I could consider. So I did what any logical person would do…
I ate (at home), I cried (at home), I had a year or therapy (one of the few things that wasn’t at home) and I took up hobbies (mainly the fantasy online community and crafting). Nothing wildly exciting I assure you, but it gave me time to reflect on what I love. What really made my heart sing. I spent time on past trauma and my own perception of life.
I also made the decision to not be physically involved with anyone. Until I had my head back in a place where I felt I could deal with all that responsibly.
If anyone cares to earn extra credit. There are some really interesting theories on womb trauma, that date back to the beginning of time. It’s said that a women carries her trauma in her womb. Which can lead to further dis-ease and suffering. But that’s a whole different blog post! – although if it’s something that interests you. I can definitely advise some fab resource points.
After a break up. I can’t tell you that being involved emotionally or sexually with someone, should be a thing you should abstain from. That’s your personal choice. However I do believe a period of reflection should be given to any major upheveal in life. If we don’t reflect briefly on the recent past. How do we learn going forwards?
I think in a world where, we are constantly told the norm is to be a couple. To be out doing your thing and getting some. People often settle for less than they’re worth. Just for the sake of being with someone, and being considered ‘normal’
We are constantly told that relationships are hard, and yes, they are. Two people will never get along 100% of the time. If you meet anyone who tells you they do – be sure, the liar is strong in that one.
But working at a relationship you’re invested in and investing in a relationship that’s not working. Are two very different things. Life is changing and adapting constantly. Sometimes the people we love can adapt with us. Sometimes they can’t.
But in terms of starting new relationships. In finding new love, a lot of us lead with our faults. We tell people a million different reasons why we aren’t good enough for them. Or why they are too good for us. We tell them all the reasons why they shouldn’t love us. All the reasons we won’t work.
But in leading with that, we both devalue ourselves and put them on a pedestal.
Upselling yourself is not a bad thing. Putting your best possible and most authentic self forward is a fantastic start. However being the raw and honest you. The one that struggles to adult some days – is also required.
As people we sell ourselves as a package. Take myself, for example. You get this sparkly 28yr old woman, with sass and confidence – correct. However you also get someone with crippling anxiety, that struggles some days and over thinks everything. Those two parts of me are extremely varied. Oil and water. Yet they are magically transformed right before your eyes into Elixir of Jada. Two things that shouldn’t be one and the same. Make peace with each other, to be me.
We have to remember that upselling ourselves is a wonderful thing. Heavily embellishing however, is not.
One of the most prominent things I will take from my therapy journey, is this;
When we sell ourselves to someone as a set package, offering them all that is good and wonderful. That’s what they are drawn in by.
But six months down the line, when the energy to shine brighter than a 100w lightbulb fades. That person begins to move away. The package they signed up for no longer exists. They signed up for happy you, fun you, the you that dances on tables. They can’t deal with all the humanity realness you’re serving.
This speaks volumes about them. Not you! We as people immediately put the blame on ourselves. We think we are too much to handle, not worthy of their time, and/or a failure.
But let me tell you this. Anyone who truly cares for you, will navigate the land mines. They will weather the storm, and once it’s over. They will help you repair the damage and set a plan for next time.
Unfortunately, a lot of people fall into the opposite camp – the good time gang. They want the package you sold them. Everything else was not part of the deal they signed up for. To put it in real life terms.
Say you’ve signed up for a gym contract. It’s free for the first six months. You’ll get lunch delivered to your office every day. Plus the sexy personal trainer is giving you those one to one sessions you’re in need of. All is fantastic.
But then your lunch starts coming later, sometimes not at all. Those one on ones, have turned into a you, him and Sheila from accounting affair. That free six months? Yeah we’re not making enough money to honour that right now.
You’re not getting what you signed up for. Here’s the question – would you stay?
Yes you’re still getting a semblance of what you wanted. But you’re not actually getting, all the benefits you joined up for.
You’d be annoyed and confused. Most of us would take it to management. They would tell you, that’s just the way it is.
Would you be happy? Could anyone blame you for not being happy? You would be perfectly within your rights to walk away.
So is that other person.
We can’t blame them for walking away. But we can acknowledge that they just weren’t strong enough to deal with our tropical storms. They couldn’t tame our dragons and they would never lift the sword from the stone.
I’m not suggesting you happily pay their cab home and write them a ‘sorry you’re leaving card’. But I do suggest letting all energy and emotion invested in the situation go. Be strong in the understanding, that they are not right for you and nobody is to fault for that.
Life changes. We know that. But being upfront and honest about where you are in life, is always preferable.
Being truthful about how you feel, what you need and why you need it. It might drive off a lot of folks. But honestly, if that happens. Know that wasn’t for you.
Knowing your none negotiables is a good thing. Knowing what you will and won’t stand for is also.
What is for you will find you – what isn’t, can keep moving.
Use your vibe to find your tribe. It’s ok to be a walking contradiction. To love, at opposite ends of the spectrum. You’re not weird and you’re also not alone.
I do believe that the perfect person is out there for all of us. Some of us just have more unique criteria. Don’t lose faith.
But the biggest piece of advice I can give. Become right with you. The good times and the bad. Learn to love yourself as a whole. Challenge your own perceptions of light and dark. Evaluate, think on it, pray on it. Take a vow of abstinence or get it popping. Find your reflection in every mirror. Look yourself dead in the eye and say “We got this!”.
Because you deserve every bit of happiness this life has to give. Don’t ever forget that!
As always. If you have any questions, comments or suggestions. Or anything you would like me to discuss, debate or review. Please comment down below, or get in touch using the contact form. You can also follow me on Instagram and Twitter for more carnage and tomfoolery.
Until next time,